i'm just floating here

i am here
just here

resting in between then and now
yesterday and today

all the tools have been assembled
i have the strength to get ahead
be ahead

but i still falter
at the quiet
the echo of your name
the trepidation of years spent in fear
the promise of success
that i see in my own eyes
from my own heart

he's left
but not long ago
the fog hasn't lifted yet
i remain in the haze

i see a break in the condensation soon
the moisture in this air
we breath
is thick
and sometimes hard to take in

so for now
i just
breath
and float here
i'm just floating here

not waiting for whats next
assemble my entourage of skills
and life experience
for the next crusade
the next passion of my heart
the next blood letting that will take place

i am ready for the sacrifices
but now
i will only sacrifice for me
you taught me that

answers

the quiet
the stillness
the answers
lay within me

to see the potential
the passion
the divine
i am just learning how to listen
to hear

sounds that are new
yet were mine all along

my mysteries already solved
the puzzle pieces know where they fit

i need the quiet of my mind
to give all of myself
to myself
and the world
to just be
like i know how
and see my greatest passions realized
and to become
to be
to do
to do the being
and be the doing

circles of consciousness
overwhelm the senses
so i breath
deeper
and go inward
for the answers again

let it flow
let it go
let it all go
every last molecule
to relinquish your being
for freedom
to make the space
to be open
to be ready for
it all
for anything
for everything
listening to the soft whispers
of my soul
often stifled by the white noise
of the world
of life
of my constant banter
and excuses

wait for
quiet
and stillness
to just listen
to just be
(the doing is in the being now)
i will hear
acute sounds
foreign at first
will become familiar
and welcomed
in their dwelling

now home
now fulfilled
now realized
moving forward
to be complete

to create
and release
to enter the ebb and flow of life
and let go
if only for this moment
channeling all that is held within
against my will
to let me
shine through
just be
at peace
i allow the emotional content
in my gut
the fiery belly of this beast
to be here right now
just for now
and let go

letting go
so much simpler than i ever could have imagined
a momentary contraction
to release
the exercise of the divine

the happiness
that i always
do search for
lay with in
carried along
the entire time

not dormant
not to stir
just waiting
waiting to reveal
to be allowed
to be
to be still
be silent
be peace
within

so i can be me
finally

misty rain

the condensation

lingers on the yarn of my scarf

the perfect layer of droplets

thin and fine

consistent and covered

i walk strong

despite the tremors below my boots

the ice patches hidden by the darkness

the shine camouflaged into the sidewalk

black ice

each breath, no longer a sigh

lungs filled to capacity

every bit of oxygen taken in

circulated through my cells

the memories will never leave me

you are imprinted on each of those cells

love of my life

i said it

i meant it

but with each breath

i breathe for me

again

i repair my soul

i renew my soul

i recharge my strengths

i honour my weakness

i am thankful for the awareness

and the knowledge

i am thankful for you

and for him

and for the others

i am patient

i am the dew

that moisture

not morning dew that lingers past the dawn

but that perfect plane

of misty rain

coating everything

not absorbed

or yet dense enough to drip

just a breezy cling

to every molecule

i can

i will wait

for what happens next

when the clouds may drift apart

when the snow begins to melt down the drain

and the sun beats down on

the Earth again

for my fate

for what my next move

is

someone to love
answers to questions
what the fuck am i doing
do i want this
what should i do
what can i do
where am i going
i deserve better
i settle + make the shit work
i deserve the best
but i don't seek it out
or give it to myself
i am paralyzed
i need to move
i can move
i just don't
i wonder what it will take
i wonder when
i need to jumpstart
i am afraid i'll never stop
+ i have trapped myself
endlessly

[more old musings. how i love bring them back to light to breath again. i am setting them free. but they are still so true and huge parts of me. obstacles i have yet to conquer. i continue to struggle with them. read this and it reminded me of now. also of AM. i am dedicating this to you. xox]

in the mood for love

crimson coloured
blood let from the artery
mi corazon
thump thump thump
tickled pink
you give me a head rush everytime
sweet as sugar
delicate as a flower
you are part of my bones
what makes me
soft petal lips
graze flesh
and it blushes before the molecule touch
and swoon
you always put me in the mood for love
darling

a new year

give self credit
hear the words you are saying
function
things to do
get out of the house
have purpose
underlying sadness
not a fly on the wall
shake her handle of my life
settled
don't want to be the fly
want to be in the mix
positively
going with the flow
try things
learn
not worrying
apathetic
scared
scary
what are rules?
stay in moment
life is a process of CHANGE
seeing good over bad
circles of friends
emerge out of flower
best version of me
try not to be angry
no attitude
try to be nice
do the best i can
improper examples
never forgive
but accept
forgive w/o forgetting
rising above her actions
rising above my actions
forgive her
forgive myself
using everything i know
the way i want to act
in control
not reacting the instinct way
always
step up to being an adult
i would like to that way
adult steps
avoid harsh, cruel, abrasive
don't want to see that embarrassing version of me
truly making my life, mine
embrace promise
march jaded
be proud
comfort in the routine
bar set too high
extraordinary everything really normal
i am normal too
work in progress
always room for improvement
continues on

[old poem written in a January, years ago. again how little we change, how much stays the same, internally. our battles stay the same. it is also so fascinating how deeply and knowledgeable i have always been about myself and so aware. it is a beautiful thing. happy new year]

whole again

it all feels like too much
too much out there
that i don't have
can't have
but want
i think i feel i do try so hard
but it continues to just lack
i continue to lack
it is all quite sad and pathetic actually
why can't i just pull my shit together
excuse after excuse
i let them set me back and be distractions
when i want nothing more
than to let go of the excess
and start anew
refreshed
clean
and
whole again

*another older poem/musing....and how it still rings true*

fringe

on the outside
looking in
i see everything as it should be
could be
i have faith that it will be
for you
but i question its possibilities
capabilities
actuality
for me
take your own advise they say
so much easier said
than done

no one understands
any of it
its complicated
an intricate web all my own
i struggle everyday to
delicately unravel the way
its supposed to be
but i want him
i just do
i want to be near our love
always
but i want me
taking care of my needs
now
sets me down the path less chosen
and perhaps away from him
i am paralyzed
not knowing which way to head
i prepare
like a good scout
and then i prepare some more

but what is it i am getting ready for?
the breakdown
my breakdown
or
perhaps
the greatness
my own greatness

flutter

map of lights
to the city center
the heart of it all
as you travel away
the brilliance
fades out, burns to ash
being lost in the darkness is disorienting
and distant
and sometimes
the core seems so far removed
my eyes are shut
so i wouldn't even know if the shine was there

i flutter my lashes
the glare creeps in
its overwhelming
i don't know if i want to keep opening them
continue the fight
but i will
and one day
i will just revel in the rays
fully open
again

the sum of my parts

living in the moment seems so simple
yet it feels
completely foreign
to not know what's next
its always frightened me
it subsides
but yet resides
i conquer everyday
as one more unknown
under my belt
and yet i yearn for the days
when having to feel this way will be no more
it feels good now
but is it what i really want?
if i don't want it
but need it.
will my needs and wants ever overlap properly?
so that i may know them intimately
to protect, maintain, build, and feed them
as they are ME
my core
my soul
my truest feelings
the sum of my parts



[something i wrote years ago in a journal, and yet still and constantly relevant in my struggle for self actualization]
le sigh.

lust

he needed love
he needed now
now he speaks of desire
what was he feeling before

he said he'd never be able to leave me
he said he would always be there to catch me
he rushed all the love
the flood swallowed us whole

in its wake
we try
to pick up the pieces
of the us we treasured
together

i needed attention
i needed to be needed
i needed his lust
then




{older poem from the ex. add those last four lines today. kinda so in love with it now. retrospect is 20/20.}

ruby slippers

she said
'but i thought
there's no place like home'
this locale was a fog
a mist of transitory certainty
solid ground of quicksand
that became real
as swiftly as it ceased to be
just as it became
it was no longer
a vicious cycle
of hope and despair

she said
'i can't go home
because he is my home...
er, was my home'
life had ripened her off the vine
leaving the nest more than willingly
eager
she awaited her true creation
to discover new lands
new feelings
new sensations
to discover
herself
and what she was made of

she said 'if i am made of strength,
then why do i fall apart?'
he said 'you are amazing'
and she believed him
because he found her
she found him
and
so
she was amazing
and strong
her core was rapturous to the sadness
the lonely
the crippling self doubt
the loss
the process of healing
just as the ground beneath her continued to quake
while her roots remained lashed and diseased
she took the pieces
of a foundation she had inherited
made it work
for her
for her dreams
for her dreams of what her life could, should and would be
she tended to each wound
one by one
with the tender care
that isn't easy to always
patiently
provided
to one's self
she mended all the holes in her garments
as she continued to fall and falter
myriads of trials
and many more errors
she suffered
she learned
she rose
she rallied on

partially because
he said 'you are amazing'
but mostly because
she needn't click her heels three times
or be given garnet shoes
she knew
'there's no place like home'

and that
her home
lay
inside of her
(not him)
her heart
her mind
her soul
she didn't have to go home
she was home.

Our way.

Her. Me. Strolling down the West Side Highway. Doing what we like to do. Our way.

love lyric to a golden bird

The courage of that

Ancient man I know

Who shoved his raft

Against the virgin sea

And restless sought his destiny.



A thousand creatures in the deep

Spawned warnings.

None would he hear

Wile the soaring

Sailor's bird flew near.



The alms behind

So cool to some

Stemmed him in

Nor let the bursting heart

Within, without.



Each night he saw

A star he loved go out.

Brave stubborn twinklings

Before the long --- far --- fall

Then darkness ---

Where the light had been.



Each day the seering

Sun would singe his skin.

Orange and yellow devils

Danced on eyelids

Squinted shut with salt.



The bashing of the waves

Turned signposts in the sky

To whirling torments of

The pleasing past

False lighted

By a needled mind

Unwound.



The few that felt their

Rafts heads touch the

Sweetness of the sand

Paid for the many

Spent still ramming

At the sea.



Tomorrow's sunrise tells the

Tale of me

A new horizon

Or this endless sea.



Fly Golden Bird

Now out of sight.

Now here at hand

You company caressing.

Soar with me

And I'll go on

For home,

Too,

Harbors in

The softness of your breasts.



We love as one

The land beyond the sun

And know some find it.


~J.S.Allen

[Found this photo from Bergdorf's blog that took my breath away *again* and found a lovely poem to match. I feel like it describes the plight of our mad genius lost. We still miss you McQueen.]

dress for success

not knowing what tomorrow will bring
is paralyzing
uncertainty if i have what it takes
to make it through
is haunting
its conjures a deep dark monster
so deep in my soul
stirring in my core
rumbling fear of being
whole
fulfilled
complete
i forget he is there fighting my every move
my movement toward
action
happiness
success
if life were as simple as my mother's old adage
you are what you wear
i would have been my dream
long ago
but slaying my demons
my anxiety of acheivement
attainment
accomplishment
grab me in a choke so tight
i cannot breathe
ominous whispers is my head
'she isn't good enough'
'she can't do it'
trepidition of self
i agonize over strength
of character
confidence
and capabilities
all the while knowing, it is
in me
reality just strains
the very torsional properties of purpose
channeling energy
yearning for more
discontent is always my first step to progress
patience is a virtue
focusing my appetite
on the craving that never ceases
knowing i may not feel the power
letting the calmness wash over me
peace swirls in my head
quietness returns to my heart
revelation of truth
it is there
i have been wearing it
all
along

a thought

do you ever feel like the world is just too much...
and you are not enough....
and you just want to explode, so you can splatter yourself everywhere
to every nook and cranny
to feel it all
to touch it all
to be it all

i stretch out on the floor
reaching out for it all
every single molecule
exalting my frustration with my inability
but potential
and desire keep me hanging on
my grasp is neither capable of its depth
or understanding of the capacity
i constantly crave more

shattering the moonlight

white wings fan

tonight a white peacock haunted my thoughts. i obsessively looked at pictures of gorgeous white peacocks online. here is a marvelous hybrid.

'All its plumage fiery with the starshine,
Nacreous, shimmering, weeping, iridescent,
It drifts across the floor and mounts the bed,
To the tap of little satin shoes.
Gazing with infernal eyes.
Its quick beak thrusting, rending, devil's crimson . . .
Screams, great tortured screams shake the dark canopy.
The light flickers, the shadow in the corner stirs;
The wax face lifts; the eyes open.

A thin trickle of blood worms darkly against the vast red coverlet and spreads to a pool on the floor.'

excerpt from The White Peacock by Stephen Vincent Benet

a spoonful of sugar.....sweetcakes&milkshakes

Daydream delusion, limousine eyelash
Oh baby with your pretty face
Drop a tear in my wineglass
Look at those big eyes
See what you mean to me
Sweet-cakes and milkshakes
I'm a delusion angel
I'm a fantasy parade
I want you to know what I think
Don't want you to guess anymore
You have no idea where I came from
We have no idea where we're going
Lodged in life
Like branches in a river
Flowing downstream
Caught in the current
I carry you
You'll carry me
That's how it could be
Don't you now me?
Don't you know me by now?

a beautiful poem from one of my favourite movies-Before Sunrise (if not favourite, the movie stirs my soul)
if you haven't seen it yet, DO IT RIGHT NOW
then watch the sequel that came out 10 years later...its the characters meeting again 10 yrs later, brills
Before Sunset...staring Julie Deply (check out her music&designs) and Ethan Hawke(in all his early 90s glory...i need an awkward man like that)
they are both 'heartbreaking works of staggering genius'