i'm just floating here

i am here
just here

resting in between then and now
yesterday and today

all the tools have been assembled
i have the strength to get ahead
be ahead

but i still falter
at the quiet
the echo of your name
the trepidation of years spent in fear
the promise of success
that i see in my own eyes
from my own heart

he's left
but not long ago
the fog hasn't lifted yet
i remain in the haze

i see a break in the condensation soon
the moisture in this air
we breath
is thick
and sometimes hard to take in

so for now
i just
breath
and float here
i'm just floating here

not waiting for whats next
assemble my entourage of skills
and life experience
for the next crusade
the next passion of my heart
the next blood letting that will take place

i am ready for the sacrifices
but now
i will only sacrifice for me
you taught me that

answers

the quiet
the stillness
the answers
lay within me

to see the potential
the passion
the divine
i am just learning how to listen
to hear

sounds that are new
yet were mine all along

my mysteries already solved
the puzzle pieces know where they fit

i need the quiet of my mind
to give all of myself
to myself
and the world
to just be
like i know how
and see my greatest passions realized
and to become
to be
to do
to do the being
and be the doing

circles of consciousness
overwhelm the senses
so i breath
deeper
and go inward
for the answers again

to create
and release
to enter the ebb and flow of life
and let go
if only for this moment
channeling all that is held within
against my will
to let me
shine through
just be
at peace
i allow the emotional content
in my gut
the fiery belly of this beast
to be here right now
just for now
and let go

letting go
so much simpler than i ever could have imagined
a momentary contraction
to release
the exercise of the divine

the happiness
that i always
do search for
lay with in
carried along
the entire time

not dormant
not to stir
just waiting
waiting to reveal
to be allowed
to be
to be still
be silent
be peace
within

so i can be me
finally

choosing

spoken
feeling
listening
to the deeper meaning
truly hearing what i am saying
making the space
serene and settled
chaotic existence can calm
respect

I have all the components of my identity.
I just need to bridge the gaps naturally.
Relinquishing control, I will reunite them.
Finding myself, in truest form, organically.
Also by choosing happiness, I will get there.

Choosing self-worth
Choosing to try
Choosing to always keep trying
Choosing to allow myself to fail, if necessary.

[journal scribbles and ramblings <3 ]

there was always more to the story,
and i wanted to know more,
and i wanted to know what was behind everything.
but now
i am learning to take things
as is.
as they come,
face value
in the best way possible
not overanalyzed,
not a punishment
[from God?]
or my mother or someone on me.
just what is
what i am presented with
what i must face.
a new faucet of fate, evolved.
beautifully evolved.
the flow
i flow.
it is not easy,
simple
the right things never are.
but i am up for the life challenge
and can't wait
for all the ups and downs
i am ready
i can do it.

[old musings, really quite magnificent and wise of me to write. then or now. hehe]

Perfection isn't a goal, its an example.

new

each week ....
new week, new me.
[everyday is a chance to turn it all around.]

The real me. The me, I want to be.
Nothing more, nothing less.

someone to love
answers to questions
what the fuck am i doing
do i want this
what should i do
what can i do
where am i going
i deserve better
i settle + make the shit work
i deserve the best
but i don't seek it out
or give it to myself
i am paralyzed
i need to move
i can move
i just don't
i wonder what it will take
i wonder when
i need to jumpstart
i am afraid i'll never stop
+ i have trapped myself
endlessly

[more old musings. how i love bring them back to light to breath again. i am setting them free. but they are still so true and huge parts of me. obstacles i have yet to conquer. i continue to struggle with them. read this and it reminded me of now. also of AM. i am dedicating this to you. xox]

whole again

it all feels like too much
too much out there
that i don't have
can't have
but want
i think i feel i do try so hard
but it continues to just lack
i continue to lack
it is all quite sad and pathetic actually
why can't i just pull my shit together
excuse after excuse
i let them set me back and be distractions
when i want nothing more
than to let go of the excess
and start anew
refreshed
clean
and
whole again

*another older poem/musing....and how it still rings true*

ruby slippers

she said
'but i thought
there's no place like home'
this locale was a fog
a mist of transitory certainty
solid ground of quicksand
that became real
as swiftly as it ceased to be
just as it became
it was no longer
a vicious cycle
of hope and despair

she said
'i can't go home
because he is my home...
er, was my home'
life had ripened her off the vine
leaving the nest more than willingly
eager
she awaited her true creation
to discover new lands
new feelings
new sensations
to discover
herself
and what she was made of

she said 'if i am made of strength,
then why do i fall apart?'
he said 'you are amazing'
and she believed him
because he found her
she found him
and
so
she was amazing
and strong
her core was rapturous to the sadness
the lonely
the crippling self doubt
the loss
the process of healing
just as the ground beneath her continued to quake
while her roots remained lashed and diseased
she took the pieces
of a foundation she had inherited
made it work
for her
for her dreams
for her dreams of what her life could, should and would be
she tended to each wound
one by one
with the tender care
that isn't easy to always
patiently
provided
to one's self
she mended all the holes in her garments
as she continued to fall and falter
myriads of trials
and many more errors
she suffered
she learned
she rose
she rallied on

partially because
he said 'you are amazing'
but mostly because
she needn't click her heels three times
or be given garnet shoes
she knew
'there's no place like home'

and that
her home
lay
inside of her
(not him)
her heart
her mind
her soul
she didn't have to go home
she was home.

cold winter nights....

,,,,,,,,,lead into colder, more lonely winter days

amidst the nyc freeze
the bitter cold, makes us want to hibernate
with a partner?
found this on some random's facebook pictures
from the UK i assume
it's kinda amazing
our society
our cultures
especially in my generation, struggle
to connect
in this connection we are human
if its all digitalized
mutated
removed
are we even connecting at all?
at some point, its just
instant gratification
fulfilling carnal urges
not the long term animal instincts of spreading our seed
just in the moment comfort
to make all the pain and discomfort
melt away for that moment