bleakness

i feel like a sponge.
the drugs do that.
i absorb all of it but it just doesn't go away and disappear,
it seeps deeper into me.
into my pores, my flesh, my soul, my core.
i am not truly getting rid of it.
its my reality.
its what i got
and what i'll keep getting.
its funny how the bleakness of that statement used to kill me
to the point that i wanted it to end.

there was no way out.

there still isn't but the bleakness is different.
how i don't know.
but to wring out the sponge kills me
my flesh hurts
my core aches
i have so many holes
and filling them with pain
doesn't make me whole
just heavy and full


*old journal musings, to appreciate how far i've come*